Every time I get glued to reading my old entries... I get a sick nauseas feeling.
I was looking through my LJ from freshman year... Lord.
I used to say **drools** after every mention of man meat! I would openly talk about obsessions over guys and strangely enough I seemed insanely happy... which is what nauseated me the most. My life back then was so out of my control. Unlike Doris Fleischman, I had no insight to what people are thinking or what their reactions will be. I believe this lack of insight is what caused my downfall from being a social butterfly to being a moth that died in someone's old wallet. I read my entries with a sick focus. I was glued to all the nuances, always highlighting people's names in a specific color, always signing my name in creative ways, always keeping the topics upbeat no matter how miserable I really was, and I remember that misery clearly.
Narcissus was always my favorite norse god. I was so taken by the way he stayed, steadfast, staring into the pool at his reflection. I identified with it. When I was in kindergarten I fell in love with my reflection and would kiss myself in the mirror. Being who I am now, I never thought I'd admit that, but I recognize it as a vital part of understanding myself and my motivations.
No matter how miserable my life became, I kept the energy upbeat, focusing on the better moments of my life. Back then, going to see a movie or hang out at the mall (even by myself) was a perfect day. Now, I have the car, the money, all the things I dreamed of having then, but none of the perspective I had back then. If I was the same as I was back then, I would constantly be calling up friends to go hang out for dirt cheap, just to talk and make jokes. Now, I'm so terrified of the very prospect that my car is used solely to transport myself from school to work and for other errands. The last time I just went with some friends to the mall to just chat was the night I went with Katie, and in that sole night of bonding she became one of my best friends. That is how little I socialize now, even with all the means and freedom in the world.
It makes me sad. Why can't I be like a 13 year old anymore?
[Charity the Wise]< even my new tagline is kinda lame. :/