The more I'm capable of handling the more life throws at me. I don't know how to surpass my struggles and feel at ease. Every aspect of my life right now is gone to shit.
The only thing I have left is my health...
my relationship has no staying power, my job is like trying to fuck me, my friends... what friends... and I have even less money than friends, cus I'm in the negative on that one.
I'm seriously under the water. In fact I can't even describe how overwhelmed I am. I wanna find the source of all my issues and just scream at it "I GIVE UP" "I GIVE UP" because I do! The world has no positivitey left to give me. I'm scraping the resin trying to find something I can USE to my benefit.
Today someone asked me where I got my take out from as I was walking and I said Olive Garden and even gave them the address, but hurriedly because I WAS IN A HURRY and this guy says "You don't have to be so rude!" What a joke! His threshold for contempt is soo much lower than mine and I see this fact and it makes me feel I am being taken advantage of! My whole life right now feels like rape. Everything I have to give is being taken from me and I'm getting nothing in return. It's a situation I never wanted to be in, but one I am powerless against.
I'm frowning so much my face is probably gonna get stuck this way, despite all the years I spent smiling because happiness just doesn't have the weight that misery does.
And if it does for other people then I guess I'm just meant to be miserable regardless of how positive I have been taught to be. Nature over Nurture this time.
in these dark hours I also see the darkness in me. I am a spoiled brat. In my mind I feel like I'm a princess and like I shouldn't take this shit, and when I voice this I'm just getting laughed at. The princess image I have in my mind is breaking. My soft hands will soon turn callous with this new work load. The world has defeated me.