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Charity Sapphire : Diamond Girl
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| Before I go to sleep... |
[16 Sep 2009|12:25am] |
A fire bird, inside, has perched.
It felt like pain at first
Now its heat leaves me parched
I feel an onslaught of thirst
My brain is binding itself in a knot
Twisting and turning
Absorbing from the furnace all it's got
I feel the burning
My soul awakens to the sound
of the fire bird's singing
Pumping energy all around
Flowers of desire blooming
To life come human nature's prophets
Science and art
Economies of endless profits
Always apart.
Will the fire bird reconcile my urges
Or will I rip in two
Breaking from the power of their surges
Will, tell me what to do!
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| emotional chinese torture |
[06 Feb 2009|12:14pm] |
is the only thing i can call it. i cannot remember any time in my life where i felt more miserable than i have been these past few days.
joey has turned out to be one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. the entire time we've been together he's been fucking another girl... his original girlfriend. instead of dumping her he chose to hide her from me. made me believe i was his girlfriend, swore to me that he was 100% mine...
and then God intervened. her godparents sat at ALE'S table.. the only person at olive garden who could've made the connections to cynthia... and she was burdened to tell me that he was still with her. he saw her christmas eve and christmas morning... celebrated their 11 month anniversary then came to my house and made "love" to me...
i'm so sick to my stomach and i can't imagine surviving this. i have never loved anyone like i love joey. shit i'm even considering staying with him after 4 months of lying to me... and what makes it worse is when i found out he swore he'd tell me the whole truth about everything and never lie to me again... and he broke that! he swore on HIS GRANDMOTHER that he hadn't had sex with cynthia since september when the truth is HE HAD SEX WITH HER THE VERY MORNING HE TOLD ME HE DUMPED HER! he didn't dump her until the night he claimed to be "talking it over." after the new year which he had also made such a speech about how he was committed to making up with me and leaving her before the new year so that 2009 could be "our year." i sacrificed my gut instincts to make this possible and spent the night with him.. only to discover he hadn't even dumped her...
next i find out he called her on her birthday and even saw her one day. how did i find all this out? because i called cynthia. i told joey i wouldn't be his girlfriend until he arranged for me and her to speak. he just kept telling me he wasn't ready to talk to her WHEN HE HAD EVEN SEEN HER IN PERSON!! well the moment she and i spoke i found out the whole bitter truth that he was more committed to making her believe he still loved her than to honoring his committment to me.
i'm so horribly disgusted with the whole world right now. everyday that passes i discover something new and worse to rehash my wounds and break every single remaining piece of my heart. i literally feel nauseous. yesterday in joey's math class i realized that i feel more suicidal than i ever have. i can't live with joey... he's destroying the very fabric of my sanity... but i can't live without joey... not unless i lived in the most uncomfortable and miserable state barely scraping by with school and work... i've built my house around the hope he would always be there.
i never imagined having to break up with someone that you love dearly and desperately. so far i've either been dumped or didn't really give a darn.. but with joey he makes it nearly impossible for me to break up with him but he ruins my life around me... fucking and lying and living AN ENTIRE OTHER LIFE BEHIND MY BACK.. what hurts the most is that all i have is him and he has an entire other life besides me. a world he continued to live in and never let me breathe a wiff of.
i could never explain how empty this makes me feel. i feel so naive. my self-esteem has ran away from me in shame and disgust. the only logical and correct thing to do is get the fuck away from this selfish, sociopathic, lying, cheating con-artist. if only i could imagine a sunrise being possible after making such a choice.
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| Good Bye Sir Psycho |
[31 Jul 2008|09:22pm] |
Motherfucker!!!!!!!!!
So he tries and tries and tries
to entrap me in my lies
And to make me feel ashamed
of what I had to do to live
If he knew it from the start
That he'd never have my heart
Isn't it wrong of him to try to take control?
To attempt to break me of my soul??
To try to rip a hole in my crumblimg wasted mind,
In my crumbling wasted numbed and dumbed down mind...
In my heart... I know....
that I will never surrender.
In my mind I know! That I! Will never! Surrender!
In my dreams I can see
a stronger and much more capable Me
And I guess it just serves me right
for relinquishing my dignity in every single fight...
Let him keep living in his psycho Sir psycho ways
Hoped that if I pretended he wasn't there I could survive these dark and terrible, empty, shitty, motherfucking treacherous days.
At the vending machine
I was deliriously wishing
To feel like I used to
Just a couple of months ago
And so
I remembered I always drank Powerade
and I pushed the button
and what do you know
out comes Pink Lemonade!!
The Universe is trying to surprise me.
Maybe it's mocking me for thinking I had it all figured out.
Maybe it's trying to lift me up
But all I wanna do is crawl into a hole where from I'll never have to come out...
Regardless of all these trials
I'm stubbornly fastening myself to the dials
and I will go where God's Hand goes
because it's the only thing that makes me feel at ease.
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| It seriously only gets worse |
[29 Jul 2008|02:48pm] |
My chest is filled with so much anxiety.
I've never been with a person who so deeply didn't want to be with me.
To me he's looking for reasons and if he wants to keep doing this then he should just dump me!
I personally like him. I'm able to get past his flaws, but every time we fight I can see that he's doing all he can to bring me down. Like purposely finding my weak points and choosing to exploit them.
But I am not weak. And despite how much I need this person I will not let them change me into what they need. Because what he needs is not me. If he so clearly sees this why must he offer so much resistance? He should just dump me if he doesn't like me because this is who I am. These mistakes he keeps finding are not things that I do on purpose. They are not things that would hurt me if someone were to do them to me for I do not see them as mistakes.
He is more different than I can handle. I can't fathom ever being able to grasp what he wants me to grasp.
So if that is what he needs then he won't ever find that in me.
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| Tired of feeling anxietyyy |
[19 Jul 2008|08:57pm] |
The more I'm capable of handling the more life throws at me.
I don't know how to surpass my struggles and feel at ease. Every aspect of my life right now is gone to shit.
The only thing I have left is my health...
my relationship has no staying power,
my job is like trying to fuck me,
my friends... what friends...
and I have even less money than friends, cus I'm in the negative on that one.
I'm seriously under the water. In fact I can't even describe how overwhelmed I am. I wanna find the source of all my issues and just scream at it "I GIVE UP" "I GIVE UP" because I do!
The world has no positivitey left to give me. I'm scraping the resin trying to find something I can USE to my benefit.
Today someone asked me where I got my take out from as I was walking and I said Olive Garden and even gave them the address, but hurriedly because I WAS IN A HURRY and this guy says "You don't have to be so rude!"
What a joke! His threshold for contempt is soo much lower than mine and I see this fact and it makes me feel I am being taken advantage of!
My whole life right now feels like rape. Everything I have to give is being taken from me and I'm getting nothing in return. It's a situation I never wanted to be in, but one I am powerless against.
I'm frowning so much my face is probably gonna get stuck this way, despite all the years I spent smiling because happiness just doesn't have the weight that misery does.
And if it does for other people then I guess I'm just meant to be miserable regardless of how positive I have been taught to be.
Nature over Nurture this time.
God..
in these dark hours I also see the darkness in me.
I am a spoiled brat. In my mind I feel like I'm a princess and like I shouldn't take this shit, and when I voice this I'm just getting laughed at.
The princess image I have in my mind is breaking.
My soft hands will soon turn callous with this new work load.
The world has defeated me.
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| I love you livejournal. (AKA I've figured out why I hate myspace) |
[09 Mar 2008|05:30am] |
Because people need real friends. Myspace makes you feel lost in circles of advertisements and people you don't know with fake profiles and you might never get to find the page of your real life friends. Myspace is designed with the purposeful intention of filtering your search for your friends with advertisements of companies that you have never heard of, and if you have heard of them you don't know the makers of these companies in person.
These people who make these companies PAY Rupert Murdoch to fill your website experience with their pictures and products because they do not know you and they can't tell you to buy their products. They are not 'Man" enough to sell their own products. And I mean this more than the ability to sell their products with words, it's like they can't find the strength in their selves to sell you their product.
And people who make fake profiles are worse than people who own these forsaken companies who have achieved such mass production as to have the gall to pay Rupert to post them on myspace instead of the friends who you're really searching for. I searched 'Hilary Duff' one time and there were over 100 different profiles claiming they were the real Hilary Duff with pictures that they found on Google images. And young girls sometimes think they are REALLY writing to Hilary Duff who they see in all the movies.
And I also hate people who tell others to give up. Because giving up ultimately leads to death. People need a direction or else they get lost in confusion which leads to depression.
Kind of like the people search engine on Myspace. When you try to find your friends you have to search through all the other people with the same name or similar pictures...
and you have to start sorting through context clues like, "Oh, no they wouldn't have that quote." And it starts to feel so futile that you have to sift through the basic questions people answer in order to get their faces posted in the search engine (OR faces they find off Google images) just to capture their essence. Just to find the spark of recognition you have for that person in real life.
And that is why I hate myspace. Because I had to find out that one of my best friends is falling off the face of the earth through facebook. And when I tried to see if the same held true for the Myspace realm, I was bombarded by advertisements of products made by people who I don't know and could never capture the essence of, and fake profiles, millions of people with the same name, and in the end I couldn't even find him.
Because this thing was made in a desperate attempt to connect people to each other and in the end we have to realize we are far too separated from people who understand us in the slightest because of these modern times. We're all just growing farther apart.
If you could parallel the whole human race to the life span of just one, you would find that we are in an old era. The slightest essence of someone makes us think we know them because we have been there done that. Society is kind of like an elder person, stereotypes are just growing stronger because, like old people, society thinks it can classify someone as something that's already happened.
This is why people struggle so hard to set themselves apart, it's like trying to prove to an old person that you're right and not them.
Society is so convinced it has you PEGGED that it can capture your very essence in a search engine on myspace.
But that is just it. It doesn't even matter if you're right because we are all dying soon anyway.
Let's just hope that everyone is right enough to make it to the good place.
P.S. If I lost your grasp for any of this it's because typing is a difficult medium. It's more controlled than speaking, but not as free as if I could step you into my mind so you could see the fates I see for everyone. Like keys to all the locks and I have them, but nobody wants to listen because I'm just a 19 year old Cuban girl with DDs and a 120 Lb mass on a 5'3 and a half frame.
No I'm not God, because everyone thinks that God could just seep into their most desperate moments and make them happy,
just like everyone seems to think that drugs seep into your brain and make you see things that aren't there...
You can't see something that isn't already there
and God can't make you happy because you aren't smart enough to be. That is why you are in the pain you're in. Because you have to get smarter. Which involves SOO much MORE than knowledge.
And if you THINK that I am NOT going to tie this into my original thesis you haven't captured MY essence.
the reason why I hate myspace is because it's search engine challenges you.
It's not like facebook that makes everything as effortless as people think God would be, it challenges you to surpass all the advertisements, the fake people, the numerous people, to find the actual person who has an essence that you can recognize. And if you find someone that does, you add them, and you keep them as close to you as you can because they are going to be the people you see beyond this stage. The people who learned the life lessons you did, after this life you will be rewarded to finally be with the people who worked as hard and as smart as you did all your life.
And myspace makes me realize that those people are still out there. And I haven't been put on this plane all alone with no one to comprehend me. But facebook makes you feel all comfortable staying in your own Zone, only finding someone else if you know their whole name thus having met them personally. But myspace doesn't let you pretend this life is only this life. Myspace reminds you that there are people you don't know and still have to meet.
Especially if you're among the young of society. Because you still have NO CLUE what someone's stereotype should be.
And then again, (Read on only if you think you've stayed with me all the way through) old could be young and young could be old. We cannot fathom what God is really like. So all this work I have done to classify and order things may have been in vain.
Dumb people don't like to be told their dumb. And plus, dumb means you're at the back of the line towards gettin out of the hell hole that you only get escape from once you have learned to live smartly.
Ok... I'm sorry to say, but this is where... this is where typing stops. Because I just can't show you anymore. You'll probably think I'm crazy or really stupid because I didn't make sense to you.
Or maybe, just maybe, you'll think that I am dumb because you've thought all these thoughts and have surpassed them.
And if you have found the answers past where I have, won't you please message me? Because I have surpassed everyone that I know in real life, and I'm hoping I'm not alone all at the top of this mountain.
I'm hoping, that if someone comes and lights a candle, it'll show me that I am not at the top of some lonely old mountain, but just being born and opening my eyes for the first time on some new plane. With some people that understand me. Because I don't THINK for ONE MORE SECOND that I can live the rest of my life if nobody else knows JUST AS MUCH AS ME and will fucking TALK TO ME, or has surpassed me and will FUCKING POINT ME IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.
I have tried getting all As, making new friends SEVERAL and SEVERAL times, leaving my family to find a new one, sitting back and watching people til they show a spark of what I know, trying to enable others in on my knowledge, I have tried soo many things to feel like somebody understands where I am, and I've seen the alternative to finding those people, and it is really not pretty.
So this is why I hate myspace. Because I know that I will post this and wait and wait and nobody will ever find me because of it's STUPID FUCKING SEARCH ENGINE, that will deter my new possible best friend/ love of my life because of it's uncontrolled advertisements and unregulated FAKE PROFILES and unwarranted amount of people with the SAME NAME from ever finding me.
Even if my name is fucking "Charity Maria Sapphire Vergara" and I am as GOD DAMN authentic and different as anybody you will ever find. Regardless of how old I am or what my stereotype is.
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| quiz results |
[09 Nov 2007|11:49am] |
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It seems that he only is with you to look good. So watch out with this guy! He is doing it to be more popular, and look better, if you know what I mean. He may be good looking, and say the right things, but think about it...Is this the thing you really want. I was going to write that you should talk to him, but it is here the problem is (you probably already know that...) it is hard to get to talk to him. He is not good at listening, and it is difficult to get your way in a conversation. But my advise is; as he is the most dominant person in this relationship, you try to be more dominant- try to control him. Tell him you want him to listen, and tell him how you feel this is. If you don't think you can do that (Talk to him) than I must say you should end it. I'm sorry, then there would be no other way. Do you see a reason to be with a guy you don't feel that you can talk to? a guy you don't feel comfortable with? Just remember don't make him feel that you are "under" him. That you do everything he tells you to.
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[08 Oct 2007|01:50pm] |
Your attraction to a useful philosophy now may have you doing yoga or studying religious practices in a foreign culture. But this isn't an idle intellectual diversion; you truly want to apply what you learn to make your life better. Luckily, energetic Mars fuels your serious intentions and gives you the stamina to follow through on whatever you start at this time.
wooaaah! like meditation and yoga |
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[30 Aug 2007|04:02pm] |
i'm going to be frank: i feel lost as fuck.
i feel so alone and so confused like no one really knows me anymore and they're tooo willing to take me at face value and nothing more. like no one's taken the time to really look at me and notice anything past my recent acne fit.
everything around me seems superficial and meaningless. i sincerely doubt that these people feelll things. all we wanna do is have cute dorm rooms and cute outfits and cute hairdos and meet cute boys and go to cute parties and eat cute food while sitting at cute tables and what the fuck, dude. i haven't spotted anyone even reading!! not even in the library!! and it is so impossible to find some fuckin silence. i hate hate hate itttt. everything's go go go but if you're not cute while doing it then fuck off!
the pressure is making me crack. realllyyy. i constantly feel like i'm being scrutinized for my appearance and like my mind is being heavily overlooked. in fact, i was asked something academic for the first time and it bewildered me. and i'm jealous of everyone's everything yet i wouldn't take it off their hands for cold cash. i feel pionic. truly bite sized. and fuck if anyone cares!! who's gonna CARE gosh i called my boyfriend a damn bastard because i thought he even slightly agreed with the popular ideologies i've found on campus. and on top of this i feel like i've been on thought overload. to sit and read my honors theory of human life book was to shove a comforter into a wallet.
i'm damn near overwhelmed. i need to get As. i need to be Involved. i need to keep myself and everything i touch sparkling cute. and i'm having trouble adjusting. i fear that come two weeks from now i'll have spurned this workload and decided to live in my undies and a ponytail forever.
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| Dorm Advice |
[31 Jul 2007|05:17am] |
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What to Wear
The clothes you bring depend a lot on where your college is located. Find out the average climate for every season and bring what you need. Also think about the activities you like to participate in. - Comfortable clothes and shoes you can go to class in
- One or two dressy outfits and shoes for more formal affairs
- Work-out clothes and shoes
- Bathing suit
- Light jacket
- Heavy coat, mittens, hat and scarf (if you’re going to a campus with a colder climate)
- Rainwear
- Slippers (for hanging out in the residence hall)
Stuff for Your Room Get a look at a dorm room or call the housing office beforehand and find out how big your room is and what it comes with. Not all halls have elevators, so it’s better to pack a lot of smaller boxes that one person can handle instead of a few big heavy ones. - Comforter/bedspread
- Pillow
- Bed linens (ask what size bed you’ll have)
- Clothes hangers
- Coffee mug
- Drinking cups, dishes and silverware for snacks
- Poster putty for hanging up decorations
- Plastic containers with tight lids for storing snacks, detergent, etc.
- Salt and pepper shakers
- Headphones/ear buds (so your music doesn’t bother your roommate or neighbors)
- Digital music player
- Cell phone chargers
- Power strip approved by the housing office
- Desk lamp or bed lamp
- TV/DVD-Player (there’s usually a common area TV if you don’t bring one)
- Stereo
- Fan
- Hair dryer
- Alarm clock
- Electric blanket
- Small refrigerator/microwave (check with college for restrictions)
- Crates or stacking containers
- Paper towels, glass cleaner
- Sewing kit, scissors, safety pins
- Message board for your door
Keep It Clean Keep in mind that you’ll be sharing your bathroom and laundry facilities with other students. - Bathrobe
- Shower shoes
- Towels, washcloths
- Soap
- Shampoo
- Shaving cream and razors
- Small bucket for carrying shower things
- Facial tissues
- Toilet paper
- Laundry basket/bag
- Laundry detergent
- Dryer sheets
- Dishwashing detergent
- Roll of quarters
- Band-Aids
- Cold medicine
- Aspirin
- First-aid kit
Stuff for School You can get this stuff once you’re on campus, but it can sometimes be cheaper to buy it during the back-to-school sales of off-campus stores. - Computer/laptop or blank CDs for the computer labs
- Binders, folders
- Paper
- Writing utensils
- Dictionary
- Thesaurus
- Backpack
- Calculator
- Day-planner
Good Things to Have Think about your daily activities and hobbies and bring what you need with you. - Access to money (i.e. bank account, bank card, credit card, etc.)
- Umbrella
- Key ring
- Flashlight
- Camera
- Batteries
- Flashlight
- Sports/recreation equipment
- Pre-paid calling card
- Snacks for your room
Don't Bring It As for what NOT to bring, you should contact your housing office and ask about the rules and regulations within the residence halls. Some schools don't allow things like these: - Halogen bulbs and/or lamps
- Hotplates, skillets, toasters, toaster ovens
- Air conditioners
- Extension cords
- Candles
- Pets, waterbeds, nail picture hangers
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| Well since someone's reading... |
[07 Jul 2007|10:32pm] |
| | Capricorn Horoscope for week of July 5, 2007  
It's Unity Week. You have rich opportunities to negotiate truces, whip up collaborations, and knit together seemingly irreconcilable elements. Maybe it has previously seemed insane for you to try mixing oil and water, apples and oranges, or Israelis and Palestinians, but it makes sense now. You'll tend to attract good fortune whenever you conspire to turn matches made in hell into heavenly blends. Here's a motto to inspire your work, from the rebellious unification expert Gandhi: "Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."
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And I'm trying to make some sense of this random train wreck. Out of no where came all of these prospects... and then out of no where they all went away. And in the strangest ways....
It is now unanimously agreed that I have thee strangest life known to man. THEE STRANGEST. I really can't think of any other person in this whole world who would be able to make some sense out of the hand I've been dealt.
The line between me being okay and me being not okay has become much more malleable... and I don't like it.
I'm not enjoying this anymore.
Everyone thinks freedom is soooo desirable. Our freakin nation was built by this notion... well it's really not all it's cracked up to be. I don't have anyone to tell me no. No one to hold me back from doing anything, but still nothing ever really happens.
And this reinforces a belief of mine that isn't really held in faith by most people "We are all born free"
our lives really are entrirely based by our choices.. we are where our free will has lead us.
Wow. I really could not have digressed any further from my initial point.
How am I supposed to create heaven out of a terrible match? I can think of a few surprising circumstances that have turned out to be awesome, like living with Mario and just things in general...
but I dunno.
I just hate being disappointed. It stings even now.
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[01 Jul 2007|12:08am] |
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Capricorn Horoscope for week of June 28, 2007 
Welcome to Part Two of your outlook for the second half of 2007. We're checking up on how you're progressing with the long-term tasks you were assigned six months ago. By now you've probably figured out that it's the Year of Secrets. Truths that have long been hidden from you are emerging, and if you keep on probing, the rest will spill out between now and December. Certain feelings you have been concealing from yourself are also bubbling up into your awareness. Fuzzy understandings that have previously hindered your ability to see the big picture are finally coming into focus as well. Don't fear or resist these developments, Capricorn. They will free up a lot of blocked energy.
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| This is scary accurate |
[22 Jun 2007|07:28pm] |
Saturday, June 23rd, 2007 PST
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
If something is gnawing away at your confidence, working harder to make it go away may not work. Your emotions are not going to be squeezed into a compartment now. You could be feeling attracted to someone and you want to tell them, but it's not that easy, for the attraction may not be appropriate. Reassess your desires while remembering that expressing them has consequences.
Well alrightt....
shoving my emotions away is what I normally do... especially when they call for immediate action,.
It's strange... my plan of action here has been to assess every insecurity and just get over it... but I guess that won't be enough,.... so I might actually have to sayy a few things. gah that sucks,,,
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| Stress stinks. Tarot works. |
[19 Jun 2007|09:50am] |
 
The Star in the "Love & Me" Position
Main (positional) Meaning:
You are coming to understand who you truly are as a result of the relationship with your partner (or potential partner).
The card in the Love & Me position touches on an aspect of how you perceive yourself right now.
The Star suggests that you are receiving information from your higher self about the reason you came here -- to this planet at this time. This is a profoundly reorienting experience. As we touch our greater self, the eternal aspect, our personal lives and love relationships come into better perspective.
The feeling of being a stranger in a strange land vanishes. Great joy is inherent in this card's placement. You are consciously on the way home in a spiritual sense, no longer flailing in the dark.
General Meaning:
What has traditionally been known as the Star card is about reconnecting one's Soul with the Divine -- the transcending of personality, family, community and reputation. It has to do ultimately with the freedom to be one's Self. The Soul is responding to celestial influences -- forces that can provide the personality with a stronger sense of purpose. The Star card helps us to remember our exalted origins and our attraction to a Higher Union.
This card could also be called the "Celestial Mandate" -- that which refers us back to our reason for being, our mission in this lifetime. The Star reminds us that, in a sense, we are agents of Divine Will in our day-to-day lives. If we let go of the idea that we are supposed to be in control, we can more easily notice and appreciate the synchronicities that are nudging us along. In this way, we become more conscious of the invisible Helping Hand, and we better understand our place within -- and value to -- the larger Cosmos.
The Empress in the "Love Situation" Position
Main (positional) Meaning:
Your love interest is a magnetic soul that draws others with beauty and abundance.
The card that lands in the Love Situation position refers to social or circumstantial factors which could be affecting your relationship at this time.
The Empress in this position means that a charismatic individual in the environment may be attracting people like bees to a flower. This kind of person helps us realize the importance of being inspired by high ideals.
Naturally this is a valuable person to have around as he or she radiates boundless, nurturing love. However, do not fantasize that this individual will in any way belong to you. The person you favor is a universal attractant. Everybody wants some of this energy. Hopefully you are in a sharing mood.
General Meaning:
Traditionally entitled "Empress," this major arcana or "trump" card portrays the energy of the Great Mother. She is Nature, around us but also within us, the ever-unfolding Source of life-giving power. She is often pictured as a pre-Christian Goddess, as the one whom the High Priestess is channeling down to earth for the rest of us.
In medieval Europe, the Empress card was painted to represent whatever Queen currently ruled the land, probably to satisfy the Inquisitors. But the scholars of the Renaissance and beyond had no doubt of her true identity, although she could not be fully revealed on Tarot cards as the "woman clothed with the sun" until after the French Revolution.
This supreme archetype of femininity also symbolizes fertility. It is She who provides us nourishment and security. She is also sometimes seen as delighting us with flowers and fruit. A potentially terrifying aspect of this archetype manifests itself whenever karmic mood swings wipe out our plans, like a storm that has come upon us. Whatever happens, the Empress is the Source of our Embodiment and of Natural Law. She might even be called "the Great Recycler."
Six of Swords in the "Love Challenges" Position
Main (positional) Meaning:
Be prepared to change your point of view about a relationship situation. Use analytical thinking to recognize that which you have been overlooking.
The card that lands in the Love Challenges position refers to ways that you can turn obstacles into stepping stones.
The Six of Swords in this position challenges you to examine the technical aspects of your current relationship situation. Logical and rigorous analysis may empower to substantially clarify important issues. When unseen patterns become visible, you may realize with surprise that they were active all along.
First, it may be useful to reorganize your mind as a way to clearly see those factors you usually take for granted. Don't expect your love interest's solution or someone else's logic to work. Reach deep into yourself and confirm that you have what it takes to figure this out. If you study the relationship situation and patterns in depth, you may know just what to do.
General Meaning:
The Six of this suit has generally been associated with the objectivity of scientific method, employed through the generations to sift fact from superstition, build facts into theories, and theories into Laws which we can trust and use to improve our lives. One early title for this card was The Navigator -- one who has learned enough about the relation between the Earth and the Heavens to be able to set a course across trackless oceans and arrive at a chosen spot on distant shores.
At the time of the first Tarot decks, this skill was considered akin to magic, so few were the individuals who understood the principles involved. So the person who draws this card is being typified as a person with special knowledge, an insight into sophisticated techniques that may be powerful enough to effect a rescue in a dangerous time. Other related titles that are common to this card are The Path (out of danger) and The Way Through.
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| "I don't know what's wrong with me." |
[13 Jun 2007|09:23pm] |
Lately I've noticed that I handle my issues very inefficiently. As in: not at all.
These past few weeks have been stress-filled, life-altering, emotionally draining ones and I'm so done.
Dwelling on your problems is simply not an efficient way to deal.
And I'm not even a pessimist! I'm just a perfectionist and right now there are too many issues left floating around unsolved.
It's making me uncomfortable.
I've been wondering about myself as a person.
Sometimes I'm not doing as well as I appear to be doing.
Sometimes it's very easy for me to pretend things are great.
And I find I've been doing this for weeks.
But then again I know I haven't.
I've tried to confront the issues. I've tried to tell certain people how I feel.
Yet certain people don't seem to give a damn about it.
What bothers me most is that inwardly I know they don't.
I know.
No one has to tell me what I seem to be the last to know.
I figured it out.
And again... I've been wondering about myself as a person.
Not in terms of a shade of a doubt or a troubling insecurity...
I've just been intensely pondering what it is I really want out of life.
I'm so ambitious and awesome that I know I'm gonna get it...
but I'm afraid I'll get stuck with something I didn't really want in the end.
So what do I want? I mean, I'm really not talking about any lifelong investments...
I'm strictly wondering about my here and now: what do I want?
I don't wanna be a girlfriend, but I don't wanna not be a girlfriend.
I don't wanna mess around, but I don't wanna pretend to be prude.
And I realize I notice a lot of things I don't want...
perhaps this is all because I'm afraid to admit what I do want.
We all know sometimes I have a skewed perception of myself...
Maybe I do want to be a girlfriend who messes around.
And is that even so bad? It's not like I want to mess around with anyone else...
I just want to mess around with one person.
But I don't even think I have a specific person in mind.
And again, the issues are left up in the air.
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| quiztizzliez |
[22 May 2007|08:24am] |
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music |
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Someday- Sugar Ray |
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| Your Reputation Is: Maneater | 
You're the kind of girl all the chicks hate...
And guys are both scared of you yet strangely drawn in. |
| Your Life is 77% Perfect | 
Your life is pretty darn perfect. You don't have much to complain about.
Of course, your life is occasionally less than perfect. But you're usually too happy to notice. |
LMAO
| Your Ex is Dependent | 
Your ex is dependent on others from almost everything - and has trouble accepting responsibility.
Your ex is not able to be independent and fears being alone.
People with dependent personality disorder feel helpless when a relationship ends and need constant reassurance.
Sound at all familiar? |
LMAO again
| What Guys Think of Your Short Hair... | 
Superconfident, independent, party girl.
The kind of girl he pines over - while secretly wondering if you want him back. |
| Your Love is Represented by a Yellow Rose | 
You primarily express your love through friendship and caring.
This doesn't mean your romantic relationships are platonic - they just start that way.
You need a lot of freedom in relationships. So if you do happen to send roses, they don't mean much. |
| You Are a Normal Girl | 
You are 40% Good and 60% Bad
Sure you've pulled some bad girl stunts in your past.
But these days, you're (mostly) a good girl. |
Hmm... not too shabby.
| You Are 53% Homophobic | 
You're definitely somewhat homophobic. You don't feel comfortable around gay people.
Stop living in the 20th century - and get yourself some gay friends. |
...
| The Part of You That No One Sees | 
You are aloof, mysterious, and distant.
People feel like they really don't know the true you...
Yet they're still drawn to you, almost by magnetic force.
Underneath it all, you don't even really feel like you know yourself.
It's easier to put on a front than really think about your life's purpose.
You tend to seem pretentious, but it's just a mechanism you use to push people away. |
:(
| You Are Not Destined to Rule the World | 
You are destined for something else...
Like inventing a new type of cupcake.
You just don't have the stomach for brutality.
But watch out - because many people do! |
Too true.
| Your Psyche is Violet | 
You are spiritual, intuitive, and serene.
People trust you to rescue them from bad situations, and you usually come through.
While you are quite enlightened, you find that your path is very lonely.
When you are too violet: you can't connect to ordinary life or ordinary people
When you don't have enough violet: you lack wisdom and can't learn from the past |
Pssh... they didn't ask me the right questions!
| Your Life is Rated PG-13 | 
Your life isn't totally scandalous, but you definitely don't shy away from adult themes! |
heehee
| Your Lust Quotient: 50% | 
You are definitely a lustful person, but you do a good job of hiding it.
Your friends would be surprised to know that your secretly very wild! |
YES!
| You Follow Your Head | 
You're rational, collected, and logical.
Generally, it takes you quite a while to fall in love.
In fact, you've even been accused of being very picky.
While you're cool, you're not ice cold.
You just know what you want, and don't mind waiting to get it. |
Interesting...
| What Your Hands Say About You | 
You are artistic, intuitive, and inspired. You have good people skills.
Flexible and broad minded, you can fit in to any situation. There's no telling where your life will take you.
Consistent and reliable, you like to count on structure and routine in your life.
Your emotions tend to be nervous and potent. Your energy - both positive and negative - deeply impacts your life. |
Perfect.
| You Are a Realist | 
You don't see the glass as half empty or half full. You see what's exactly in the glass.
You never try to make a bad situation seem better than it is...
But you also never sabotage any good things you have going on.
You are brutally honest in your assessments of situations - and this always seems to help you cope. |
And that's a rap.
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| Al Gore presents ‘An Inconvenient Truth’ for UM’s Lecture Series |
[02 Mar 2007|11:36am] |
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By Charity Vergara The program reads “An Evening with the Honorable Al Gore” and I immediately shove it in my purse. As a second-generation Cuban, I’m liberated enough to attend such an event, but not progressed enough to appreciate it-- and thus came the ignorant comment, “Ha! The honorable Al Gore!” Suddenly, I felt heat-vision rays burning my back as I turned around to face a stadium full of supporters flaring their nostrils at me and I realized, “…I should probably let go of my preconceptions and pay attention here.” Let me tell you, paying attention to Al Gore really pays off. He’s on the board of directors for Macintosh computers, he recently won the Oscar® for ‘Best Documentary’, his daughter works for Matt Groening, he ran for president and almost won, he was Bill Clinton’s Vice- President for two terms, he’s genuinely religious (and open-minded! What a conundrum!), as well as a man on a mission. I can now admit that Al Gore definitely deserves his program’s title. And the man can speak! Gore knows how to gently deliver doomsday-type messages with class and humor. He can knock down Bush’s entire regime within two words and move on so quickly that once the audience delivers its delayed applause it’s so loud he has to stop and chuckle to himself. I used to get the impression that Gore was a ‘Sore Loserman’ (Bush campaign ’04) when he continuously demanded “a recount!” But now I see that his wanting the presidency was not a selfish, single-minded desire. I now get the impression that Gore is a man moved by divine inspiration. I am moved by Gore’s purpose and I wish he would run for president in ’08 although he clearly stated he wouldn’t because he’s “dedicating [his] time to something different.” A quick rundown of his lecture: the world is heating up due to a monoxide called CO2 being trapped in the atmosphere. CO2 is what cars exhale, the hot air that is basically digested oxygen. The sun sends rays everyday, a third of which the earth does not absorb. In past times that radiation would disperse through the atmosphere and into outer-space. However, due to the CO2 (a.k.a. “big bad greenhouse gases” as in the Groening-produced mini-cartoon) the remaining heat becomes trapped in the atmosphere causing the build up and thus creating global warming (this is the ‘The Greenhouse Effect’ explained). Of all the 928 scientific articles on Global Warming ever published, none have disagreed with this. Thus, Gore wants Americans to know that there is no controversy about global warming. It is, indeed, a fact. Another interesting fact is: of the 652 or so news articles on this ever published, 53% have disagreed that global warming is a fact. Gore says ‘we need to get some better reporters out there’ and again he had to stop and chuckle to the roaring applause. Already the Chad lake in Africa (the 6th largest lake in the world) has dried up, adding to the desperation in Darfur, Sudan, and Niger sending its refugees to search for fresh water and causing many to die (besides the existing genocide in these areas). Plus, the penguins and the Polar bears will all be ten thousand leagues under the sea once the ice bergs melt away (which has already started). Not to mention there won’t be any of the fish we eat today by 2050 if we continue fishing at the rate we do now. And by 2050 Miami will be under water if Greenland’s ice sheets melt. The United States is the world leader for the production of CO2 gases and to top that off we’re also one of the only countries to not sign the Kyoto treaty for the prevention of global warming and the salvaging of natural resources. But we Miamians can all feel proud because as an independent city we have signed the Kyoto treaty! But why hasn’t the US signed? Hurricane Katrina was caused by warmer waters in the Atlantic than ever before and we even had hurricanes in the Greek alphabet up to Zeta because of the warmer climate. These hurricanes caused so much heartache and disaster to our country. There is no moral or logical reason for our country to remain ignorant about this issue. When George Bush sr. was president, Gore persuaded him to have a global warming discussion in the White House. On the program was an image of an old-time balance beam where a few gold bars weighed as much as the entire planet. The image represented the economy’s importance in comparison to the earth. Funny we’d place gold bars on the same level as the whole planet because, “if the whole planet ceased existence where would we put our gold?” Gore stated. “When we could make more gold by saving the earth!” The main argument against global warming is that it runs in cycles (as if the earth simply inhales and exhales), the difference this time is that we’re already past the point where we should be returning to cold weather again. Since the 1400s we’ve been continuously rising in CO2 levels. In fact, Gore presented so much support for his thesis that it’s nearly impossible to recap it all. Thus I’ll close with this: The closest English translation to Gandhi’s favorite phrase is “truth force”. This came up during the short Q&A that followed Gore’s lecture. A UM student asked, “What should today’s youth do to help?” and Gore answered, “become your own ‘truth force’,” research and develop a passion for [your cause] and once you’re knowledgeable enough to discuss it wisely, you will be more than equipped to help. And imagine, if we do this for more than just global warming, for such things as peace policies and economic prosperity, we can be the greatest generation to ever exist. As Churchill said, “The era of procrastination, of half-measures, of soothing and baffling expedients, of delays is coming to its close. In its place we are entering a period of consequences.” It’s our time to act. Become your own ‘truth force’ now! Please visit www.AlGore.com.
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| The truth is... |
[13 Feb 2007|06:43pm] |
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mood |
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 creative |
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music |
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Close Up |
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As Valentine's day approaches and I realize that I actually have a Valentine... I wonder... what's the big deal?
When love is so bogged down by duty it's so much more difficult to run things smoothly.
Love is the only business who's sole detriment is business.
It's the feeling when you love someone too much to let them go...
but you find it too hard to make sure that they know.
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| CHEESEYPOOFS |
[27 Jan 2007|01:39am] |
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mood |
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 content |
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music |
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pagan poetry- Bjork |
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Stolen from bottlecapman:
Reply to this post, and I'll tell you at least one reason why I like you.
Then put this in your own journal, and spread the love.
Hooray for free love!
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| The tears wouldn't Stop. |
[25 Jan 2007|06:38pm] |
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mood |
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 pissed off |
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After the show case... I was hanging out with my Mom and it was pretty cool. She's trying so hard to cover the gaps, you know?
But I couldn't focus on her. My heart was heated. I was physically bitter and I couldn't explain it.
She was mentioning all the people that she thought did great and who exactly was her favorite? Of course, Diego!
She's like "Ay he's SOOOO cute!!! And he's SOOOO funny!! Ay I want him for you!!!"
And I'm like "Uh, that's my ex-boyfriend."
She: "..."
And just... I had never heard anyone actually tell me that they wanted him for me except that lying, crazy teacher.
It was frustrating, really. It's like... sigh, too late now, Ma!
So her mentioning him.... created the first moment that I've thought about him since... like... november. Like, actually thought about him.... who he used to be to me.
And for some reason I was engulfed in one of the most bitter moods I've ever experienced. I felt so unsettled... I felt a fury inside of me. A real fury. I was upset with the fact that he's acting like an asshole. That he acted like an asshole as soon as we broke up, that all of his "people" have disowned me, that I can't even be in the same room as him with someone actually acknowledging my presence. It's as if everyone convened toward him to patch his broken heart and it was just too easy for people to blame me or be upset with me. Hello!!! I did my best, ok?! I did my fucking best!
He wanted me close I stayed, then he said it was too difficult to get over me with me around so I left. I left one of my favorite people because I cared more about his well being than mine.
And I never said to him the things he said to me when it went bad. I euphemised like I've never euphemised before, dammit.
So if people want to point at me and think I'm this cold-hearted bitch... well fine then!!
You think I'm not good enough to use "Thug Life"... fine then!!
I don't deserve the desert I have found myself in.
WTF! The second I step into the Creative Writing Meeting he dips? I always SAID he was a child. Thank God nothing fogs my vision.
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