there's not much time
for me to think
my brain runs dry when i go to drink
i would not have had
the energy to speak
if i had not covered the leak
you never know
what might be beautiful if you never try to live in someone else's eyes
i have to hurry through
no time to stop
if i ever do
i will not walk
another step another yard
it'll be too hard
\because it will have given me time to think
i surrender to the truth
that i did not consider
you had never thought passion would die
neither did i
neither did i
i feel something might break
that i cannot see
your mind is always a puzzle to me
you are someone of another world
that i did not consider
you push so hard and i try not to fail
my weakness is that i never bail
i am a stalk
just one of millions
that make the world greener
i cannot hope to ever come down
i cannot hope to ever be found
my inner child cries
though i commit to lies
my morality obnoxiously survives
Every time I get glued to reading my old entries... I get a sick nauseas feeling.
I was looking through my LJ from freshman year... Lord.
I used to say **drools** after every mention of man meat! I would openly talk about obsessions over guys and strangely enough I seemed insanely happy... which is what nauseated me the most. My life back then was so out of my control. Unlike Doris Fleischman, I had no insight to what people are thinking or what their reactions will be. I believe this lack of insight is what caused my downfall from being a social butterfly to being a moth that died in someone's old wallet. I read my entries with a sick focus. I was glued to all the nuances, always highlighting people's names in a specific color, always signing my name in creative ways, always keeping the topics upbeat no matter how miserable I really was, and I remember that misery clearly.
Narcissus was always my favorite norse god. I was so taken by the way he stayed, steadfast, staring into the pool at his reflection. I identified with it. When I was in kindergarten I fell in love with my reflection and would kiss myself in the mirror. Being who I am now, I never thought I'd admit that, but I recognize it as a vital part of understanding myself and my motivations.
No matter how miserable my life became, I kept the energy upbeat, focusing on the better moments of my life. Back then, going to see a movie or hang out at the mall (even by myself) was a perfect day. Now, I have the car, the money, all the things I dreamed of having then, but none of the perspective I had back then. If I was the same as I was back then, I would constantly be calling up friends to go hang out for dirt cheap, just to talk and make jokes. Now, I'm so terrified of the very prospect that my car is used solely to transport myself from school to work and for other errands. The last time I just went with some friends to the mall to just chat was the night I went with Katie, and in that sole night of bonding she became one of my best friends. That is how little I socialize now, even with all the means and freedom in the world.
It makes me sad. Why can't I be like a 13 year old anymore?
[Charity the Wise]< even my new tagline is kinda lame. :/
A fire bird, inside, has perched.
It felt like pain at first
Now its heat leaves me parched
I feel an onslaught of thirst
My brain is binding itself in a knot
Twisting and turning
Absorbing from the furnace all it's got
I feel the burning
My soul awakens to the sound
of the fire bird's singing
Pumping energy all around
Flowers of desire blooming
To life come human nature's prophets
Science and art
Economies of endless profits
Will the fire bird reconcile my urges
Or will I rip in two
Breaking from the power of their surges
Will, tell me what to do!
So he tries and tries and tries
to entrap me in my lies
And to make me feel ashamed
of what I had to do to live
If he knew it from the start
That he'd never have my heart
Isn't it wrong of him to try to take control?
To attempt to break me of my soul??
To try to rip a hole in my crumblimg wasted mind,
In my crumbling wasted numbed and dumbed down mind...
In my heart... I know....
that I will never surrender.
In my mind I know! That I! Will never! Surrender!
In my dreams I can see
a stronger and much more capable Me
And I guess it just serves me right
for relinquishing my dignity in every single fight...
Let him keep living in his psycho Sir psycho ways
Hoped that if I pretended he wasn't there I could survive these dark and terrible, empty, shitty, motherfucking treacherous days.
At the vending machine
I was deliriously wishing
To feel like I used to
Just a couple of months ago
I remembered I always drank Powerade
and I pushed the button
and what do you know
out comes Pink Lemonade!!
The Universe is trying to surprise me.
Maybe it's mocking me for thinking I had it all figured out.
Maybe it's trying to lift me up
But all I wanna do is crawl into a hole where from I'll never have to come out...
Regardless of all these trials
I'm stubbornly fastening myself to the dials
and I will go where God's Hand goes
because it's the only thing that makes me feel at ease.
My chest is filled with so much anxiety.
I've never been with a person who so deeply didn't want to be with me.
To me he's looking for reasons and if he wants to keep doing this then he should just dump me!
I personally like him. I'm able to get past his flaws, but every time we fight I can see that he's doing all he can to bring me down. Like purposely finding my weak points and choosing to exploit them.
But I am not weak. And despite how much I need this person I will not let them change me into what they need. Because what he needs is not me. If he so clearly sees this why must he offer so much resistance? He should just dump me if he doesn't like me because this is who I am. These mistakes he keeps finding are not things that I do on purpose. They are not things that would hurt me if someone were to do them to me for I do not see them as mistakes.
He is more different than I can handle. I can't fathom ever being able to grasp what he wants me to grasp.
So if that is what he needs then he won't ever find that in me.
The more I'm capable of handling the more life throws at me.
I don't know how to surpass my struggles and feel at ease. Every aspect of my life right now is gone to shit.
The only thing I have left is my health...
my relationship has no staying power,
my job is like trying to fuck me,
my friends... what friends...
and I have even less money than friends, cus I'm in the negative on that one.
I'm seriously under the water. In fact I can't even describe how overwhelmed I am. I wanna find the source of all my issues and just scream at it "I GIVE UP" "I GIVE UP" because I do!
The world has no positivitey left to give me. I'm scraping the resin trying to find something I can USE to my benefit.
Today someone asked me where I got my take out from as I was walking and I said Olive Garden and even gave them the address, but hurriedly because I WAS IN A HURRY and this guy says "You don't have to be so rude!"
What a joke! His threshold for contempt is soo much lower than mine and I see this fact and it makes me feel I am being taken advantage of!
My whole life right now feels like rape. Everything I have to give is being taken from me and I'm getting nothing in return. It's a situation I never wanted to be in, but one I am powerless against.
I'm frowning so much my face is probably gonna get stuck this way, despite all the years I spent smiling because happiness just doesn't have the weight that misery does.
And if it does for other people then I guess I'm just meant to be miserable regardless of how positive I have been taught to be.
Nature over Nurture this time.
in these dark hours I also see the darkness in me.
I am a spoiled brat. In my mind I feel like I'm a princess and like I shouldn't take this shit, and when I voice this I'm just getting laughed at.
The princess image I have in my mind is breaking.
My soft hands will soon turn callous with this new work load.
The world has defeated me.
Because people need real friends. Myspace makes you feel lost in circles of advertisements and people you don't know with fake profiles and you might never get to find the page of your real life friends. Myspace is designed with the purposeful intention of filtering your search for your friends with advertisements of companies that you have never heard of, and if you have heard of them you don't know the makers of these companies in person.
These people who make these companies PAY Rupert Murdoch to fill your website experience with their pictures and products because they do not know you and they can't tell you to buy their products. They are not 'Man" enough to sell their own products. And I mean this more than the ability to sell their products with words, it's like they can't find the strength in their selves to sell you their product.
And people who make fake profiles are worse than people who own these forsaken companies who have achieved such mass production as to have the gall to pay Rupert to post them on myspace instead of the friends who you're really searching for. I searched 'Hilary Duff' one time and there were over 100 different profiles claiming they were the real Hilary Duff with pictures that they found on Google images. And young girls sometimes think they are REALLY writing to Hilary Duff who they see in all the movies.
And I also hate people who tell others to give up. Because giving up ultimately leads to death. People need a direction or else they get lost in confusion which leads to depression.
Kind of like the people search engine on Myspace. When you try to find your friends you have to search through all the other people with the same name or similar pictures...
and you have to start sorting through context clues like, "Oh, no they wouldn't have that quote." And it starts to feel so futile that you have to sift through the basic questions people answer in order to get their faces posted in the search engine (OR faces they find off Google images) just to capture their essence. Just to find the spark of recognition you have for that person in real life.
And that is why I hate myspace. Because I had to find out that one of my best friends is falling off the face of the earth through facebook. And when I tried to see if the same held true for the Myspace realm, I was bombarded by advertisements of products made by people who I don't know and could never capture the essence of, and fake profiles, millions of people with the same name, and in the end I couldn't even find him.
Because this thing was made in a desperate attempt to connect people to each other and in the end we have to realize we are far too separated from people who understand us in the slightest because of these modern times. We're all just growing farther apart.
If you could parallel the whole human race to the life span of just one, you would find that we are in an old era. The slightest essence of someone makes us think we know them because we have been there done that. Society is kind of like an elder person, stereotypes are just growing stronger because, like old people, society thinks it can classify someone as something that's already happened.
This is why people struggle so hard to set themselves apart, it's like trying to prove to an old person that you're right and not them.
Society is so convinced it has you PEGGED that it can capture your very essence in a search engine on myspace.
But that is just it. It doesn't even matter if you're right because we are all dying soon anyway.
Let's just hope that everyone is right enough to make it to the good place.
P.S. If I lost your grasp for any of this it's because typing is a difficult medium. It's more controlled than speaking, but not as free as if I could step you into my mind so you could see the fates I see for everyone. Like keys to all the locks and I have them, but nobody wants to listen because I'm just a 19 year old Cuban girl with DDs and a 120 Lb mass on a 5'3 and a half frame.
No I'm not God, because everyone thinks that God could just seep into their most desperate moments and make them happy,
just like everyone seems to think that drugs seep into your brain and make you see things that aren't there...
You can't see something that isn't already there
and God can't make you happy because you aren't smart enough to be. That is why you are in the pain you're in. Because you have to get smarter. Which involves SOO much MORE than knowledge.
And if you THINK that I am NOT going to tie this into my original thesis you haven't captured MY essence.
the reason why I hate myspace is because it's search engine challenges you.
It's not like facebook that makes everything as effortless as people think God would be, it challenges you to surpass all the advertisements, the fake people, the numerous people, to find the actual person who has an essence that you can recognize. And if you find someone that does, you add them, and you keep them as close to you as you can because they are going to be the people you see beyond this stage. The people who learned the life lessons you did, after this life you will be rewarded to finally be with the people who worked as hard and as smart as you did all your life.
And myspace makes me realize that those people are still out there. And I haven't been put on this plane all alone with no one to comprehend me. But facebook makes you feel all comfortable staying in your own Zone, only finding someone else if you know their whole name thus having met them personally. But myspace doesn't let you pretend this life is only this life. Myspace reminds you that there are people you don't know and still have to meet.
Especially if you're among the young of society. Because you still have NO CLUE what someone's stereotype should be.
And then again, (Read on only if you think you've stayed with me all the way through) old could be young and young could be old. We cannot fathom what God is really like. So all this work I have done to classify and order things may have been in vain.
Dumb people don't like to be told their dumb. And plus, dumb means you're at the back of the line towards gettin out of the hell hole that you only get escape from once you have learned to live smartly.
Ok... I'm sorry to say, but this is where... this is where typing stops. Because I just can't show you anymore. You'll probably think I'm crazy or really stupid because I didn't make sense to you.
Or maybe, just maybe, you'll think that I am dumb because you've thought all these thoughts and have surpassed them.
And if you have found the answers past where I have, won't you please message me? Because I have surpassed everyone that I know in real life, and I'm hoping I'm not alone all at the top of this mountain.
I'm hoping, that if someone comes and lights a candle, it'll show me that I am not at the top of some lonely old mountain, but just being born and opening my eyes for the first time on some new plane. With some people that understand me. Because I don't THINK for ONE MORE SECOND that I can live the rest of my life if nobody else knows JUST AS MUCH AS ME and will fucking TALK TO ME, or has surpassed me and will FUCKING POINT ME IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.
I have tried getting all As, making new friends SEVERAL and SEVERAL times, leaving my family to find a new one, sitting back and watching people til they show a spark of what I know, trying to enable others in on my knowledge, I have tried soo many things to feel like somebody understands where I am, and I've seen the alternative to finding those people, and it is really not pretty.
So this is why I hate myspace. Because I know that I will post this and wait and wait and nobody will ever find me because of it's STUPID FUCKING SEARCH ENGINE, that will deter my new possible best friend/ love of my life because of it's uncontrolled advertisements and unregulated FAKE PROFILES and unwarranted amount of people with the SAME NAME from ever finding me.
Even if my name is fucking "Charity Maria Sapphire Vergara" and I am as GOD DAMN authentic and different as anybody you will ever find. Regardless of how old I am or what my stereotype is.
It seems that he only is with you to look good. So watch out with this guy! He is doing it to be more popular, and look better, if you know what I mean. He may be good looking, and say the right things, but think about it...Is this the thing you really want. I was going to write that you should talk to him, but it is here the problem is (you probably already know that...) it is hard to get to talk to him. He is not good at listening, and it is difficult to get your way in a conversation. But my advise is; as he is the most dominant person in this relationship, you try to be more dominant- try to control him. Tell him you want him to listen, and tell him how you feel this is. If you don't think you can do that (Talk to him) than I must say you should end it. I'm sorry, then there would be no other way. Do you see a reason to be with a guy you don't feel that you can talk to? a guy you don't feel comfortable with? Just remember don't make him feel that you are "under" him. That you do everything he tells you to.
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Your attraction to a useful philosophy now may have you doing yoga or studying religious practices in a foreign culture. But this isn't an idle intellectual diversion; you truly want to apply what you learn to make your life better. Luckily, energetic Mars fuels your serious intentions and gives you the stamina to follow through on whatever you start at this time.
wooaaah! like meditation and yoga
i'm going to be frank: i feel lost as fuck.
i feel so alone and so confused like no one really knows me anymore and they're tooo willing to take me at face value and nothing more. like no one's taken the time to really look at me and notice anything past my recent acne fit.
everything around me seems superficial and meaningless. i sincerely doubt that these people feelll things. all we wanna do is have cute dorm rooms and cute outfits and cute hairdos and meet cute boys and go to cute parties and eat cute food while sitting at cute tables and what the fuck, dude. i haven't spotted anyone even reading!! not even in the library!! and it is so impossible to find some fuckin silence. i hate hate hate itttt. everything's go go go but if you're not cute while doing it then fuck off!
the pressure is making me crack. realllyyy. i constantly feel like i'm being scrutinized for my appearance and like my mind is being heavily overlooked. in fact, i was asked something academic for the first time and it bewildered me. and i'm jealous of everyone's everything yet i wouldn't take it off their hands for cold cash. i feel pionic. truly bite sized. and fuck if anyone cares!! who's gonna CARE gosh i called my boyfriend a damn bastard because i thought he even slightly agreed with the popular ideologies i've found on campus. and on top of this i feel like i've been on thought overload. to sit and read my honors theory of human life book was to shove a comforter into a wallet.
i'm damn near overwhelmed. i need to get As. i need to be Involved. i need to keep myself and everything i touch sparkling cute. and i'm having trouble adjusting. i fear that come two weeks from now i'll have spurned this workload and decided to live in my undies and a ponytail forever.